The Middles

Edition 49: You know?

Kim Bui

The phrases you lean on

I have a lot of them.

“You know what I mean?”

“So, really…”

“Does that make sense?”

Crutch phrases. Those words we turn to when we’re looking to fill the silence or when we’re trying not to trip over ourselves.

“Basically…” used to be one of my crutch phrases until someone pointed out that using it devalued my work and could be seen as condescending (sometimes things are complex and that is OK).

For women, this is a tricky territory. We’re not supposed to say “just.” We apologize too much. If those are your crutch phrases, OK, yeah, please stop using them.

But if you’re not using phrases because of the idea that we should all speak more like men, that’s less necessary.

Use the language you want, but be conscious of words you fall back on. They break a poker face and often are tells to what you’re really thinking. And while that may be sometimes useful, it might also be detrimental.

Be more comfortable in silence.

It’s a tip I’ve always given reporters. Sit in silence for a minute when you’re puzzling something out or processing. You can using catching up on notes as an excuse, but the effect of stopping, looking in someones eyes, and choosing your words, is powerful.

If you ask a question, wait for the answer. Sometimes people will ramble to fill the space, which is fine. Wait. Be patient. Getting to the real answer may take a minute, but if you don’t wait, you might never get the answer.

Don’t know? It’s OK.

Sometimes I use my crutch phrases as ways to give myself a little room to wiggle and think as I’m talking. I’m trying to be better about stopping, even mid-sentence, to think quickly, and then return to my thought, or cut myself off from rambling and say the truth: I don’t know.

I try to say “I don’t know, but…” so that I don’t lose my own authority. I don’t know, but I can find out. I don’t know, but I think we should try anyway. I don’t know, but I support you in what you want to do.

For big meetings, prep your talking points.

If you’re the type to lean on crutch phrases when you’re nervous and presenting or in large group settings, then try this: Write down the takeaways you need people to walk away with. Writing out the whole speech makes me more nervous so I write a bullet pointed list to make sure I stay on target.

Reading // Trying // Buying


Reading //
Smoke and Summons by Charlie Holmberg. I really enjoyed (most of) the Paper Magician series, so I’m excited to read this. // Seven resolutions for newsroom leaders from the impeccable Jill Geisler // What news teams wish managers knew, from RTDNA, which is a tad simplistic, but a good reminder // For the love of local, The Atlantic

Trying //
You Need a Budget, in my eternal quest to be better about money.

Buying // 
I currently use Mio drops to drink more water, but I ordered these guys, which seem more natural and make things more interesting.

Jobs jobs jobs

Are you one of the many, many laid off people this past week? I’m here for you.